It’s been a long while since I’ve last sat down to write. Like really truly write. Feels like I’ve allowed the “busyness” of life to overtake it, choosing to settle for random scribbles now and then.
It has been a weighed down 3 days. With what felt seemingly like a spiritual black cloud of heaviness thrown over me, like a blockage. In my mind I knew His Presence has never left. But there was an irrational feeling of fear? Of unsettledness? That somehow there was an invisible cloak of darkness that I had to keep trying to push through. With much futility.
I think there were a handful of moments where the lies were so loud in my mind these couple of days.
“Eh like just drop it la. No point pressing and fighting and pushing in. You’re not going to be able to get past it.”
I thought I’d get exhausted and eventually have to throw in the towel.
In the meantime though, I did what I knew to do. Keep pressing in.
But at the end of 3 days that unsettled my heart,
That whisper, so gentle yet clear at the end of Ps A’s preach…
‘I’m right here.’
The Father is right here.
He then revealed to me something that I didn’t realise that I believed. But was a lie that I needed to break over my life, and over my identity.
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Fast forward. Got home and 2 songs started to pop into my mind.
‘Beautiful Saviour’ & ‘Came to My Rescue’.
No coincidence that He chose songs of my youth to speak to me.
Because the years 2008 and 2009 were ringing in my head too.
Early years of my newly-found faith at that time. A time when I passionately sought Him.
A time when also I passionately fought Him. Argued with. Struggled with. Rebelled at. Escaped from. Complained at. Got frustrated at. Hid from. … All directed at Him.
God never let go though. He never left.
Even today. After 11 years from the year I first chose to let Him in. He has never left my side. Even in those times when I turned my back on Him.
There is something about the early years when something is being birthed.
It is messy. Challenging. Even confusing.
But you go through with the process, because of the promise of what will be born. That what will be birthed will be worth more than every struggle, every pain.
Brings a whole new meaning to growing pains. Haha.
Remember now your Creator in the days of your youth,
Before the difficult days come, …Ecclesiastes 12:1a NKJV
The cries of my youth…
There was a clumsiness. An awkwardness. Of not knowing where I truly stood.
But there was also a raw passion. A desire to go in wholeheartedly.
I remember being broken over my generation.
I remember crying out “Here I am”.
I remember crying out “Use me.”
I remember asking Him to “break my heart for what breaks yours”.
I remember 2 Chronicles 16:9 really being the verse of my youth season.
For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.
2 Chronicles 16:9a NKJV
People might dismiss it as naive cries of a young person. Not knowing the cost. Not knowing the true significance.
But God sees the heart.
And I believe because He taught me how to come like a child to Him in the early days, I learnt how to worship despite the seasons.
I believe because He showed me how to encounter His voice through prayer, I learnt the significance of the honest prayer of His children.
I believe because He stirred up a fire in my heart for my generation, I caught a portion of His heart for people.
And through the years, His hand preserved my faith. His hand protected my flame from ever going out. Even when it waned in the face of the wind and the waves. Because He valued the cry of my youth, He sustained me. He used the foundation built in my youth to keep me in a safe space in my mind. That I never fell too far away.
I guess what I really wanted to say is…
Don’t despite small beginnings. (See Zechariah 4:10)
He used mine.
I’m certain He can use yours.
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Wah my writing is really rusty. This really took some effort to write. One-shot post though haha.
Journey 