Spent some more time today in the secret place about the same stuff.
What started out as simple thanksgiving for who He is became a flat out groaning from deep within.
“I love you Jesus.” Over and over again.
I have wrestled. I have struggled.
And in all honesty, I have failed.
Utterly. Completely. Failed.
Laid bare. Nothing is hidden from His sight. His Word cuts deep.
For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.
Hebrews 4:12-13 (NIV)
To love was the test. I could see the marks of time but I could not get past myself.
How selfish. How unloving.
How do you love despite.
I fear my hand of hurt has already been dealt.
I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry.
I could not bring myself to say/write those words.
I am sorry for being a brat.
Perhaps there’s too much; too much hurt, too many secrets, too much history.
Jesus, heal my heart.
Restore what was stolen, what was broken.
The pained memories. The inability to believe that I am loved, that I will be fought for.
Will that conversation ever happen?
I do not know.
My heart is broken.
More of You, less of me.
Replace my self-awareness with an awareness of You.
That I can trust myself going ahead that I’m keeping in step with You.
Come to Jesus (Planetshakers)
It’s All About Jesus (Planetshakers)