State of Flux – Part 2


It got weird because my thoughts switched modes. You’ll see.


Sometimes I think all I’m searching for is someone to travel on the less-trodden path with.

Someone who doesn’t fear the unknown, the unmarked path, the unplanned journey.

Someone who appreciates the simplicity of embracing the unknown and the surprises it’ll bring.


I think I’m scared (or more accurately, wary) of what it means to be ruined. Ruined by God, ruined by people.

How can someone walk into your life and become so important?

How can someone who’s been in your life for so long be the source of so much hurt?

But then again, it’s true: the closer they are, the more pain they inflict.


Someone who’ll stick around.

Because I will fight for two.

It’s the conditioning.

To put others ahead, to protect.


Someone who’ll see past the walls, the inability struggle in the midst of willingness – not reluctance – to express.

Someone who gets that the hurt ebbs and flows, comes and goes.

Someone who understands that sometimes the “I’m okay” and the “I’m good” are so not.

Someone who’ll push, who’ll ask the probing questions.

Someone who’ll see the cracks appearing in the walls I’ve been conditioned to put up.

That behind the dam holding it all back I’m yearning to crumble.


Walks. We don’t need to share the same cadence from the start, but I believe we’ll converge.

With conversations. Meeting honestly. Listening. Being.

We’ll fall together.

There’ll be attrition. Sharp edges.

But they’ll round out, fit together.

Or some might never do, but remain as imperfections in almost-perfect understanding.

In the midst of commitment and honesty.


Maybe I’m being naïve. Maybe it’s too simplistic.

Maybe I’m an idealist.

Perhaps even… dare I write? A secret romantic.

Maybe behind all of this “Van the man” business, there’s sensitivity.

Maybe I’m soft at heart, vulnerable, trusting.


I know I’m an optimist. A daydreamer.

I’m the person who walks alone, looking up at the blue skies and greenery with a silly grin on my face.


You never know what you get on walks, do you? Never thought I’d end up writing about relationships.


Passenger’s music always seems to put the words to what I want to say.

Well I’ve got open eyes,

And an open door,

But I don’t know what I’m searching for.

I should know by now.

Well I’ve a big old heart,

This I know for sure,

But I don’t know what my love is for.

I should know by now.

Well I wait in line,

So I can wait some more,

‘Til I can’t remember what I came here for,

But I can’t leave now,

Cause I’ve a light that shines,

And a love so pure,

But I don’t know what to use them for.

I should know by now.

Well I spent my money, I lost my friends, I broke my mobile phone,

3 a.m. and I’m drunk as hell, and I’m dancing on my own,

Taxi-cabs ain’t stopping, and I don’t know my way home,

Well it’s hard to find a reason, when all you have is doubts,

Hard to see inside yourself when you can’t see your way out,

Hard to find an answer when the question won’t come out,

Everyone’s filling me up with noise, I don’t know what they’re talking about

Everyone’s filling me up with noise, I don’t know what they’re talking about

Everyone’s filling me up with noise, I don’t know what they’re talking about

You see all I need’s a whisper in a world that only shouts.


I told you things got weird.


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