Raw. (7 June 2014)

Wrote this on 7 June after meeting J and had a massive outpouring in North Tea Power, because there was so much on my mind. …But I thought it was too raw to put up here. Then again, this is what writing is about ain’t it?

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Met up with J earlier and had a great time talking and baking (hahaha yah, bake. okay I didn’t really bake other than break up choc chips heh.).

I guess I’ll always need a person to ask the icky questions to get the poison out of my system. How I confessed to not having regular God time (rather reluctantly, but I got the words out anyway). How I got angry at <> reaching out, and squirmed out of the situation. I haven’t had such fury in a while I was taken aback. And yup, in a way like J said, I did eventually get some “God time” today.

I’m just so weary in my mind. To realise after all that, I’m still angry. To realise I can’t fall apart every time I —-.

To revisit every single hurtful memory with Jesus.

To work through stages of forgiveness. To choose to forgive daily.

To choose to love. That I have to love where <> didn’t – to love first. (Yup, just like how He choose to love us first.) How what I’m choosing to do now is part of a vicious cycle – doing to <> what <> did to me.

When J pointed out that it was a cycle, the realization hit me right smack in the face.

I am the conduit for God to move in <>’s life. To choose to love first despite everything. To reflect the God I believe in.

I can feel the trap of responsibility creeping up on me again.

Who am I to take on the responsibility of salvation? It is not my responsibility. I have a part to play but it is not my sole responsibility. Need to check myself.

It is true you know? Choosing to be Christian? When you know what it means, would you really?

Hahaha. Never a bed of roses. That line I believe I’ll remember for life. Thanks A. Still so vivid – when she told me that 7 (?) years ago when I said the sinner’s prayer in the old church building, in that little room with S as well.

Back to chatting with J. How she said —- is always going to be a big thing for me, where most of the hurts come from. Especially now when I’m happy and content… God seems to be throwing on the spotlight on this. Hmm.

Oh yea, she mentioned !A Students planning for a student blog and asking me to contribute. We talked about how people say that they can’t usually find the right time and place to talk about “deep stuff” (like how I treasured the talk on Bank Holiday Monday with J and S). How in a blog you can be so honest and open. (Well, at least on principle you should be.)

I remember J mentioned how some guys were nervous about blogging and she went “It’s a blog, not making a speech in front of the Queen?!” I just went “It is. Just without the Queen.”

And I actually meant it.

It’s putting yourself out there. A raw piece of who you are. An avenue for others to delve into your thoughts.

Vulnerability. Honesty.

If something you write doesn’t make you squirm a little, or challenge you a little, or force you to delve deeper… it’s not worth the time and effort – for you to write it or for someone to read it.

Because there’ll be no honesty. There’s no commitment from you the writer. No investment of the self.

It’s a window. People look in. You look out. There’s an exchange; a breath of fresh air, letting the sun rays in. To shine into the deepest recesses of your heart and soul. To reveal the cracks, the holes and the blemishes. To reveal the intricacies. To reveal the beauty. To reveal the entirety of design of who you are. Without a front, without a filter.

(Well, in the ideal blogging world.)

It’s funny how this writing thing has progressed ever since I started randomly scribbling random thoughts down. Ever since S said there might be a writer hidden in me somewhere. I still wouldn’t call myself a writer, but I’m loving every bit of this.

Sometimes it gets uncomfortable. Sometimes I second-guess myself.

But…

Sometimes it makes everything fall into place in the midst of all the mess that is life. To make sense.

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