I don’t even know where to start.
This weekend at !Audacious Students getaway was… a defining one. I know I said I was expectant, but my level of expectancy compared to the degree to which God showed up pales in comparison. Insert inappropriate reference – He definitely came in like a wrecking ball and tore down the walls in my soul/spirit/heart/etc.
Right off the bat, 2 hours into the getaway with Paul, I was already being challenged by the 2 questions he posed us with: 1) Who am I? and 2) Who is God to me? He challenged us to be brutally honest with God and ourselves, to dig deep. Honestly, I still can’t answer those questions, so used to covering my heart up under so many layers I don’t know when I’ll get through them all… but I believe I’m making headway.
Being reminded of a thought I had a year or two ago, about how being at the feet of Jesus is the highest place to be at – when he was talking about how we need to drop everything and get back to the feet of Jesus. To be broken with Jesus. To be intimate with Jesus.
And the whole thing between Jesus and Peter – how Jesus asked Peter whether he loved Him three times, alluding to the 3 times Peter denied Jesus and how He chose him to be the rock of the church anyway. I can only imagine the anguish and the tears in that situation.
That Jesus is with me when it hurts, that He sees me for who I am even when I don’t know who I am. And that He loves me anyway. Thankfully I am replaceable. Thankfully redemption’s my only qualification.
Even in that first session, I could sense the dust shifting. The thick layer of dust weighing down my old dreams. Break my heart for what breaks Yours again. Gen 6:22 – 7:1. Being confronted with my dilemma of how to be honest with myself when I’ve gotta lie to others. My fear of losing them.
(seems like this is going to be a really long post)
Then the next day with Jen talking about Marthi – referring to the inbetween of Mary and Martha, which we tend to be like. Intimacy with God over everything else. Worry and distraction are not the plan for us. He holds the plan. Jer 29:11-14, so seek Him. And just the reference to Jer 29:11-14 shook off another layer of debris over my dreams. That promise He spoke into my heart a couple of years ago, that He will be found by me.
More on intimacy with God. That to be rooted in the faith is to understand the Father. To know that I am His daughter and nothing else. That just like with the woman with the blood disorder in Luke 8:40-48, He is more than willing to heal us, to shower us with gifts and blessings. All He desires is for us to talk to Him. Just to be with Him. That we can affect God in this two-way relationship. Reminded again by another verse I clung on to – Zephaniah 3:17 – that God actually delights in me and sings over me.
Followed up with a tough bit: being vulnerable with each other and sharing our worries. I mean, I always seem to pick my worries up again. It’s like a cycle y’know, just put it down and pick it up, put down and pick up, repeat. I don’t know how to put it down for good. Lying. All the secrets. Feeling responsibility for family. My dreams of a family baptism. Trying to let go, but just picking it right back up again.
Even now, just writing this all down feels like I’m still removing layers. And I’ve already written this down once over in my journal.
Rounded off Getaway with Mike in our final session – what’s the dream? As he shared, I felt the rocks cracking over my dreams. The rocks that have been weighing down my soul was cracking and shifting. It started with my old dreams of going back to Cambodia/to the ends of the earth with some form of P&O ministry. John 14:12 that I can do even greater things if I have faith in Jesus. The promise of more to come.
As he proceeded, more old memories about FUEL, praying for Z’s healing (even though it was scary as hell and nothing happened) and the marathon surfaced. Like I remembered them. Not just on the surface like ‘oh that happened.’, but a deep-in-my-soul kind of remembering. Like from the deep recesses of my soul kind of remembering. That my soul has re-awakened. That God was just gently shaking me and waking me up from a long, long slumber – like how Mum/Dad used to wake me in the past.
Just some of the crazy scribbling I did. Like 2/3 way into Mike’s sharing, I was set off on some crazy scribbling.
I can feel the dying ambers fanning into flame again. Reminded of the time I prayed for healing for Z and failed but.. that was stepping out. Scary as hell but yeah.
Old dreams awaken, be renewed. For the Father’s waking you. Can you hear it? Can you feel Him gently shaking you awake. Van, van… Just like how Mum/Dad used to wake you up. Do you rmbr?
Marathon. Do you rmbr how I carried you? Do you rmbr how you ran with Me? How I carried you all the way? Even when you thought you’d never do it. That you’d give up? Do you rmbr?
By the time I was scribbling about the marathon, I realised that God was literally shouting at me using my scribblings. By then I was blown away already. I was like :’S
Mike and Jen went around praying for us. I remember Mike came to pray for me and the Spirit of God came down and I fell down. And I was just sitting on the floor talking to God about all the stuff He’s been talking to me about throughout getaway.
After a while, I was just hugging my knees and tearing away when Jen came along, held me and prayed for me. Like how God was saying that He will carry me. That I’m never alone. That the pain and the suffering doesn’t last forever. That they’re only seasons. It will pass. That I can be vulnerable and open with God. etc.
After all of that I was just reeling from all of it. And like I told C, I feel like myself again after everything that has happened. That quote from a while back, “Home is the people who remind you of who you are.” – I think it works here now too. 🙂
Still stunned, dazed from everything when I think back.
It’s only the beginning; there’s more.
Ending off with “I Have Decided” from Audacious would be good, but there isn’t a clip online. Nooooo. Hahaha make do with lyrics I guess.
Give me one day, just one more moment with you I pray
I’m holding on as I’m falling deeper in love with you each day
You’re wonderful, so beautiful
Pressing forward, leaving the past behind, take hold of all you are
There is nothing, no one compares to you
Your ways, are higher than my ways
I turn my eyes towards Jesus, ‘cos that’s where my help comes from
I have decided to follow you Jesus
I will go where you say go
Stand on the promise that our God is for us
The miracle’s coming, The miracle’s coming
I will find you in the valley and the mountain top
‘Cos I hear you whispering my name
You are with me in the fire and the darkest night
You’re here with me, you’re here