So I read my Bible today…

13 This will continue until we all come to such unity in our faith and knowledge of God’s Son that we will be mature in the Lord, measuring up to the full and complete standard of Christ.

14 Then we will no longer be immature like children. We won’t be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth. 15 Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. 16 He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.

(Ephesians 4:13-15)


So I read my Bible today. First time in a long long long long time… Same goes for actually seriously praying. Seems like after all this time, I’m back at the starting line. Well, I’d rather start all over on a clean slate than throwing in the towel, although it did seem like I was heading for that option not so long ago.

I still remember when I said the sinner’s prayer. In that room in my church’s old building. With SH and A. When A pointedly told me that life as a Christian is “not a bed of roses” – one thing that has stuck with me ever since then. When I excitedly went home with my first Bible. When J gave me that little guide to QT and I devoured it in one sitting. How I read my Bible every morning, scribbling in my journal in the early days. How God excited me. How fiercely I believed. When I did all those clumsy things, just trying to share Jesus with my friends/family. When somehow I found myself sharing with 3 people at once. When I somehow managed to put together a network of Christians in school. When I believed so much in the God who answers prayers. When SH told me this incident when C was dissing Christians or something like that, but suddenly asked, “Van is Christian ah?” and then stopped. When I first led someone to say the sinner’s prayer and to give that person a Bible. When I saw how God was with me at every step in leading me to P&O. When people saw me for the fighter  I am and a Christian. The list grows.

But I’m not that person I was anymore. Sadly. I don’t recognise that person in the mirror no more, clichéd as it may be.

I want that back. I want that version of me back.

Going to be tough. But I want it. I hope I want it bad enough.

Because I did ask big. I asked for radical transformation.

I want change. I want life. I want the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. I want You.


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