dark side.

Too many thoughts swimming in my head after that short hike with dad in the morning.

But oh well, time for some honesty.

For one, if there was one physical thing I’d change about myself, I’d trade my knees. Anytime. I know it sounds trivial and perhaps ridiculous… but for real.

But then again, would I?

My knees (or my stupidly annoying joint issues) have played a pivotal role in shaping my character. Other than home.

I would think a lot of my strength in character (being thick-skinned here) came from fighting this joint thing. Too many times I’ve had to fight the physical pain. Fight emotional disappointment. Fight battles in my head. Too many times I’ve been forced to be small. And sad to say, too many times I’ve thrown in the towel and chose to be small.

And a huge part of my faith today? Built over some of the struggles related to my joint problems. Especially my marathon story. (Ask me about it if you haven’t heard it. Or read the note I put up on Facebook.)

While we are talking about this… one of my worst traits? Stubbornness.

I am stubborn. I’d admit that.

The doctor said I would never run a marathon and I did.

I’d be in pain during training/running/hiking today/whatever I might doing and I’d just say ‘Can lah can lah.’ and get on with it.

Maybe I just don’t like to show weakness.

But a lot of it boils down to my stubborn streak.

Stubborn mule. Haha.

Reminds me of that time at conference when someone prayed over me and prayed ‘Be a donkey. Be a donkey.’ Makes me laugh every time I think back to it.

Anyway… yeah stubbornness. Probably why I can’t seem to talk about what’s really going on in my heart when I’m with people. A struggle every time. I’m trying… this writing thing is helping. I think.

Just realised I’m really weary. Can’t seem to pin it down to one thing… but I can feel that sinking feeling when I find myself alone. Like now. 真的累了。

Can’t seem to let it out either.

Hate secrets. Hate hate hate them.

Why am I so accommodating? Why?

(… sorry if this seems awfully dark and dreary. I have nowhere else to do this. And this helps me process. Somewhat.)

Sometimes I think that life might be much easier if I’m a rebellious teen haha. I do wonder about that once in a while. Just be havoc. Don’t need to be responsible. No need to be dependable. Don’t have to be understanding or accommodating. No one will expect that of me anyway right?

Ah… who am I kidding?

Someone save me from myself. Please.

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