torn.

(this isn’t a happy post. just saying.)

Had this on repeat tonight.

“Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)”

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will standAnd I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start nowSo I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

I thought today was a good day… had a good morning in church with the praise & worship and the Word. Something about how the verdict leads to performance and not the other way around like what the world does. Meaning we’re already seen as precious and loved and etc., and because of that we dedicate ourselves to live for Jesus… or something like that… instead of striving to meet expectations, whether it’s ours or someone else’s. Talking to church people and hanging out was great too, lots of smiles and good conversations.

But just now I just felt that I had to listen to Cornerstone which was hereย and Oceans which is the one above… Oceans was on repeat. For a while. After the bridge cut so deep into me.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Suddenly confronted by the realisation that I can’t, or I don’t really want to, or I’m not ready to, or whatever it is… I just can’t mean those words. There was a time that that bridge was myย heart-song. ย A time when life was easy in a sense, because I was so on fire and so focused on running for God. But now, I’m just not measuring up. And yeah, ironic I know, since the message preached today was exactly about breaking that mindset. Plus all the recent things that keep coming up. And I just… thought of ___ and how I’m actually in the same situation as my friend and that we’re actually no different. It’s just that my friend went along to say he/she isn’t Christian anymore and I still stick to it.

Does that make a difference? Does it? If we technically live the same way?

I feel like my mind/heart/soul’s being broken down, exfoliated… maybe it’s a new season? But I just feel my insides crumbling. Like my eyes have been opened to how I’ve been letting my faith rot away. There was a time I was so full of passion – plans to serve, plans for missions, plans to reach. So many plans, so much excitement. Where did it all go?

It’s like every time I think I’ve measured up to it, that I’m finally in a good place with God, it just slips away. When I ran my marathon, I thought, “This is it. I have found my faith and I’m keeping it.” – but here I am. Again. Quite fittingly, my knee’s being a pain again… creaky and tingly and twitchy.

Now I just sound like a whiny brat. Or an emo nemo. Pft. Told you the quality of writing’s going down.

I’m just so pissed at this whole cycle of getting somewhere and slipping away and getting somewhere and slipping… over and over again… It’s just so tiring. (Now I sound even more like him/her.) Then again, I know I can never turn away. Once you’ve known how it is to be close to God, you just can’t stay away. You can’t forget it. You might feel too weak, too tired to try again… but it just keeps nagging at you. What in the world am I saying?

Mind’s in a whirr.

Lay on my bed for a long while, prayed, cried, tossed about, then laid there all still for bit… somehow it feels like I’m mourning my faith.

It’s always the low that gets you after the high.

Maybe I should just go and get some sleep. Roar.

This isn’t a happy post. Told you so.

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