heart’s on a platter.

Didn’t know why but all of a sudden, I just felt an urge to read this again.

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I still remember all the nerves I was getting in the days leading up to meeting you again, in the long walk (yeah I took a detour) to your hall, even up to the point of meeting you again. Just didn’t know how to be about you. Eventually you passed me the card and said you didn’t know where to send it to since I was all over the country on placement. And then you told me to read it.

There and then.

I remember I couldn’t read it facing you. I just couldn’t. So I turned around in your roller chair, opened the envelope and read the card, filled with your handwriting (as usual haha).

And everything I felt was washing over me but I… I held on to them. Didn’t want to make any sudden movements (heh). Scrambling to organise my thoughts, what to say, how to react etc.

We did have a little talk. I was praying frantically in the back of my head while getting the thoughts across to you the best I could. I wasn’t, I am still not in a good place with God. Looking back and looking at where I am now… I’m sorry I dropped the ball. Yet again.

Back to the present… After reading the card again, I just had to pray y’know. It’s like God just confronted me with what I promised to do. To believe for my friend. To pray for revival. And I… I just crumbled to my knees and prayed like I haven’t prayed in months. The tears came. That feeling that grips at my heart returned. Just prayed for you like life depended on it – it was like the consuming fire had rained down for that period of time.

Thought of texting you… but it’s just too out of the blue. And I don’t actually know what to say anyway.

The tears are still flowing. I’m at a loss really. In a daze. Hence the need to write.

God, I’m inadequate, and weak.

I’ve dropped the ball. Again.

But I’m thankful that You never leave nor forsake us.

That it doesn’t depend on me. It’s all You.

That You know what’s best. That You’re in control.

 

Even when I forget, You never did.

Thank You that You’re all about second chances.

That You’re all about forgiveness, and grace, and mercy.

That even when I’ve failed You time and time and time again,

You take me back all the same.

I thank You for Your all-encompassing love.

 

Thank You that You see every tear, every struggle.

That You’re right there even when she doesn’t know it

That You’re still knocking on the door of her heart

That the story doesn’t end here.

 

Heart’s on its knees, asking for revival.

Consuming fire, come.

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