Curious thing happened this afternoon: V whatsapped me and said Mum was worried I’d be too stressed and wanted to tell me to chillax. Hahaha telling the all-too-chill to chill somemore oh dear 😛
V was like, yeah “I told her the way you study is damn chill one.” And then she asked for my prayer request?! I don’t know why but in that moment I just felt really weird. I mean… it’s a good thing. It’s actually quite wonderful but once again, this emotional closeness with people (especially from home) / having people care for me makes me uncomfortable (?). What’s up with that? … maybe it’s a sister/family thing like JA said the other time. Hm.
(By the way I’m not trying to make home sound bad! It’s just… home tends to bring up very complex emotions/thoughts for me as a few of you will know. And I guess home tends to bring up complex feelings for many people anyway.)
Woke up late today. Exactly 10min before lecture started so… day off for me. Quite productive even though it still felt like I had most of the day to relax/chill out. Guess it’s just the speed/way I study. Used to get really unsettled when I end up with all this free time… thinking that I must be missing out a whole chunk of work/revision, when it’s probably my studying methods. (Oh and I’m not trying to gloat or anything, just saying. Hmm… second disclaimer of the day.)
Actually come to think about it, it feels like my writing phase might be tapering off. I know it doesn’t seem like it because I’m posting quite regularly still, but I just feel there’s a dearth of words more and more these days. And well, quality of writing is seemingly going down down down.
Possibly because my mind is all caught up in the wrong places. Distracting really. And you’ll notice it when my writing goes all over the place and doesn’t seem to settle on a point, poor you. Troll much heh.
Time to start watching some good videos and read some good books!
My mind keeps drifting off to the day I’ll arrive home. The last time I was back in December, I remember being really excited in the 1-2 hours before landing, clasping and unclasping my heads and shifting my legs all the time. And smiling to myself. Then leaving the plane with JY, chionging through customs and duty free… getting our luggage and stepping through those glass sliding doors. Meeting Mum and UJ. Going for breakfast and crashing last day of youth camp. Blah blah blah…
I just remembered this one thought ringing in my head: “I don’t feel the whole ‘I-am-home’ thing.” It’s like the idea hadn’t sunk in. Even in the days after that, it never really did. Everything just felt so surreal, like I stepped through a portal temporarily. Only to step back through it too soon. Much too soon.
I have much hope this summer would be different. That when I step out of those glass sliding doors I’ll be like “Wow. I’m home.” and that it would sink deep. Because this time I just want to make the most of it – meeting the people I love, doing the things I enjoy, eating the food I miss, visiting the places that make me come alive etc. The looming idea of this being my longest holiday for the next 2 years just keeps shouting at me from the back of my mind haha.
I hope you guys know who you are ^^
Honestly the underlying fear here is that I’ll eventually become a person without a concept of home. This shuttling back and forth between Singapore and Manchester and Manchester to other UK cities is blurring my view of where I belong. Both my head and my heart are starting to see the lines blend into a fuzzy mess. Especially because of the UK and Singapore life disconnect. Sometimes I find myself clinging on to home in the things I choose to do.
But then again, who’s to say this wouldn’t create a deeper concept of home for me instead? Wouldn’t the fear of losing my concept of home make me cling on more firmly? Guess it can go both ways… as with most things in life.
Have I changed then? I wonder. I don’t think I can truly answer this question yet. Probably get a clearer idea when I meet up with people back home… they’ll know. Counting on you guys hahaha!
But if I’ve changed, has it been for the better? Or for the worse?
Come to think of it, I guess undeniably some things have changed. Hmm.
2 weeks to exams, 3 weeks to home.
(and I’m still getting many unknown readers hahaha. you guys tsk.)
(I’m going to take a guess and say Seth is one of them. You stalker man hahaha, totally calling you out. And if I got it wrong… oops.)