(this is an exceptionally raw post. thought about whether I should privatise it, decided not to. might change my mind later…hmm.)
Nowadays I daydream a lot (more than usual, which is already a lot oops). It’s like my heart knows there’s a place I need to be at and it’s tugging at my heartstrings. Even now as I sit at my study desk and put my legs up on the desk in standard slacker mode… that tug is still as strong as ever. It’s…weirdly tangible. Oh that reminds me, troll of a dream last night/this morning: dreamt that I ordered chicken rice from my Chicken Rice Uncle friend and right before he served it… yeah, I woke up. Sad face. I woke and went :O 😦 . Ah well, soon soon.
Can’t seem to set my mind on studying for more than 30min a time so I’ve given up trying to power through revision… instead going with it and taking my notes in shots. (Hahaha drinking reference right there. Boom.) Seems to be working I think… we’ll find out. Soon. And the avalanche of awesome football matches isn’t helping hehe – but I’ve taken to using pre-match, half-time and inbetween-matches time to revise so I guess it’s giving my revision a bit of structure? (So much bull right here.)
Sometimes I think if I’m losing sight of what I’m doing with my life. And I kinda miss who I was in secondary school. I know it was emotional hell for me but I had so much passion then and so much laughter, and life. Is it just part of growing up? Or is it being away from familiarity?
Always thought I’d ‘excel’ at this being-away-from-home thing. Especially since so many people have told me I would. And again, so many people telling me how it’s good that they never have to worry about me. Hmm… I guess it all comes back to that chat I had with LD the other time about boundaries – that I’ve to learn not to be a person who not only gives, but also receives love; to not only listen, but to share. Perhaps that’s why I write so differently now… it’s like trying to break free of what I’m so used to – masked feelings, hidden thoughts. Trying not to weigh others down with my own burdens because they’re burdened enough already.
It’s like how it is back home. Bottling thoughts and feelings because… well, no point making others feel bad. No point sharing if it means people giving up what makes them happy. I can handle it. No one needs to worry about me – that’s how it has always been. But what I’ve been reading about nowadays and what I learnt after talking to LD… it goes against what I’ve been doing all along. Can I be honest? Can I tell them that I don’t think it’s fair that I was made to think I’m being all grown-up because I can handle it? Because I’m ‘mature’ enough at 7?
(oh wow, just stopping to read back at what I just wrote. that’s pretty honest stuff right there. gosh.)
But I’m thankful for everything that’s happened, despite all the messed-up years – a couple of friends can testify to my messed-up years I believe haha. Even if I’m still picking up the pieces from time to time, or even when it hurts now and then… I’m thankful. Thankful because of what these things have effected in my character, in my faith and in who I am. Happy moments are great, but I guess pain is the better teacher.
(ahh… finally the tears come. Finally. I’ve been waiting for so long.)
Mum whatsapped me yesterday, asking if I want to go on a trip to Bangkok in June. I said yeah. It was the first time in two months she’s texted me – I don’t fault her though, we were never the type to text each other. But I’m just thinking about the next time I have to leave home again in September to get back for Year 2 and I won’t be home for a while since Year 2’s summer break will be gobbled up by placements. And that I’ll be spending my 21st here. Will it be as bad as my last trip back to Manchester? Honestly, I cried so much on that plane I’m so ashamed to admit it haha… Takeoff, during the flight and landing… and being back in my hostel. So much crying oh gosh. But I guess, it’ll be as painful. Especially after meeting up with people and all that…
I’m just holding on to the fact that next year I’d be living with two of my coursemates which might mean more time to build better friendships and church as well. Placements would mean a chance to meet up with Singaporean friends if I get my way with my posting – hehe I am hopeful. And there’s J coming to London 🙂 You don’t know how happy I am to know you’re coming, Okay now you know haha 😀
Oh well, deep breaths. Less than a month to go. I’m made for tough times. Warrior I am.