home.

Is it 34? Or maybe 35 days to home? This timezone thing isn’t helping the count haha.

It’s going to be my longest break back home for my 3 years of studies here. After this I’m going to get measly 3-week breaks at most I think… And spending my 21st here, on placement as well. But well, if J comes over, it’ll be fun πŸ™‚ And moments like this, I thank God that I’ve still got people here. People who I can trust and be myself with.

I guess that’s why I don’t feel the need/pressure to fit in with the rest. To join in the drinking and the partying and the other crazy stuff… Thankfully being able to hang on to who I am despite all the temptations here.Β Some days I think I might go mad. Other days are good and I feel like I’m becoming a better version of myself – partly because I spend so much time being introspective nowadays.

“…the people who are best at masking their feelings are the ones who have had to do it for the longest time.”

-Brianna Wiest (Signposts of Someone’s State of Mind)

I’m learning. Learning to let the walls down. Trying and failing, trying and still failing. Probably why I blog so much now… finding it easier to be more emotionally vulnerable in writing. Hmm, curious.

Talking about home anyway, I still have no idea what’s lying in wait for me. Dad’s always been messaging me and stuff but it gets tiring sometimes. And I find that I can’t bring myself to reply him anymore… sigh. And Mum hasn’t been texting me haha… My extraordinary parents. And I guess V’s busy with poly and getting adjusted to the new environment – and we don’t really know what to say to each other most of the time anyway haha. My family aren’t big on the talking I’ve realised. Hmm.

The prospect of a trip with C stirs up conflicting thoughts as well. I mean he’s great, but I’m always expected to do the cover up… and it gets tiring. Sometimes I wish they’d just be honest with each other and just get it over with. And sometimes I wish they won’t. Talk about dilemma/confusion.

But still, I look forward to home I guess… holds much more promise nowadays. There’s a potential bright spot in there I think haha… Hopeful I am. And there’s getting back to chilling with my bros again. That would be brilliant. Although we should really find an alternative spot where I can actually speak my mind without looking over my shoulder once in a while lol… Downside of chilling in mum’s ‘territory’.

Missing home?

I guess I still do.

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