it was.


Watching the day break over Manchester. Hm. Been a while since I’ve been up all night… Sat through a whole lot of Boyce Avenue and other acoustic covers haha…

thought of much. felt like crying but couldn’t. haiz.

心中有着挥散不掉的阴霾。。。

挣扎。心揪着。

有谁会懂我呢?

All these feelings and thoughts, but too inept to put them down in words.

But try we will.

It’s like how you’re walking along the quiet beach – no one’s about, no seagulls/birds/crickets or whatever. And the waves are not crashing, but gently lapping at the sand beneath your feet. And yes, you hesitate… but then you step into the ocean. Just a little, tiny step though. Because you’re taken aback by the expanse of the ocean. Just like how I can barely touch at the ocean of feelings I’m having now. It’s raw. It’s open. It’s full of insecurity.

And it’s ridiculous how I’m just watching acoustic cover after acoustic cover tonight. Every strum sends a little ripple into… I don’t know what… my soul?!

The waves start to build. The tide’s coming in. There’s a sense of urgency, of alarm. Like this struggle within me. But you stay where you are, waiting for the big waves to crash over you.

…and then nothing.

No big waves. No crashing upon the shore. Just back to the quiet.

And it happens in cycles – over and over again. Building up and just before it hits the tipping point, it recedes.

need to cry, but I can’t. driving me insane.

(just a little  more needy tonight)

What am I doing…? Isn’t this the one thing I told myself never to succumb to? Sigh. One of those nights I guess.

Lost count of the number of cups of tea/coffee I’ve had tonight. Guess I’m not making it to church today after all… and there’s uni starting again on Monday. Sigh.

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