sleepless night.

Loneliness will be your worst enemy. Don’t fall victim to your own loneliness. When you have to look to someone else to make your life exciting, you need to take your life into your own hands and do exciting things for yourself.

– Mr Wise Doctor Man (as mentioned in post from long ago… not so long ago actually… there’s part 2 if you’re interested)

Thinking about Mr Wise Doctor Man, the last I heard of him was that his nerve degenerative disease got so bad he couldn’t do anything for himself, as in talk/eat/etc… And at that time, they said it was now a wait, a wait for the day he can’t breathe on his own. And that would be it. And the world would lose another shining light. No idea if that has happened, because he can’t reply to emails anymore. Sigh.

Got these angels singing and accompanying me tonight haha…

… and a whole lot of acoustic covers. It’s that sort of night. Missing some whisky tonight though hmm. Or some beer.

Make do with coffee I guess – pales in comparison. Sigh.

Been looking through some of my earlier posts and came across a happy day 🙂

… but then I think, wasn’t I poised for a new season? Why has it seemed to slip through my fingers again? Did I give in again?

Guess I have. Just when I was glad I’ve moved on, jokes.

(haha bear with the overload of media/links… just feel that they help me get on with writing tonight)

Spent the afternoon with captain peks today, accompanying her to the outlet mall to get stuff for her friends/sister back home. Distracted the whole time, so sorry. I guess it’s because it reminded me of the last time we hung out (together with D) to do some crazy Christmas sale shopping before heading back home to Singapore the week after. Same event, different time of the year, different me.

Being overseas really does change you. No matter how hard you fight it; or have I been fighting it at all? I don’t know.

I guess it has, or I wouldn’t be writing lengthy blog posts. Or pouring out parts of myself on the internet. Sometimes I wonder why I blog. Certain days I feel like scribbling in my little black notebook is what I need, but days like this, I find solace here. Curious.

And then again, why am I feeling down? Technically nothing’s happened… just feeling out of sorts I guess. Once again I ponder: do I want to head home? I mean I do want to go home in summer but do I really want to go home? I’m scared by how I don’t feel that urge to go home. It’s true I think about my bros and friends, but yeah… I guess I’m scared. Scared of what’s to come. (…and this has to play right now?! Seriously…)

Really need to learn to talk about myself, like about what’s going on inside… This cycle of bottling up > stifling it > cracking > exploding > piecing together is no good, but I keep coming back to it… But then again, I can’t seem to override these barriers I’ve learnt to build up. Tried and failed. I know I’m talking about it openly here, but they still go up. It’s like the override function doesn’t exist. Maybe no matter how strong I seem to be, there’s an insecure, scared kid behind these walls who just refuses to let people in.

Hands are shaking. Need a person to run to and cry. A hug would be great.

Jesus?

Sigh. What am I doing? Wake up, you.

Tried to just let the tears come. But they are as stubborn as me it seems. And my leg has to act up now. Of all moments. Maybe it’s trying to help with the tears haha… might just work.

Why do I think so much? People say I always seem so chilled, relaxed, not a care in the world… in the words of my flatmate, “Van’s always like ‘Life’s good!’ and giggling!”. I think they’ll have the shock of their lives if they come across this lol. Perhaps this is the real me. Perhaps I’ve been putting up a façade all along. Which is the real me? Or perhaps they’re all me?

(And how am I going to keep my promise to keep believing for two, for revival if I’m crumbling as well?)

Sleepless night tonight I would think… (haha did you see what I did there? Okay forget it.) One of those nights where I’m going out of my head. Perhaps a workout in my room will help – embracing the pain haha…

Sorry for having you read this melodramatic nonsense. I just needed to write it out.

I’ll be fine tomorrow.

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