alone. and on hindsight.

This is why I think my flatmates say that I’m so chill and smiley all the time. Quite happy at how I’m almost perfectly fine with being alone. And that I’m generally happy. Generally. It’s just that my posts don’t really come across in that way. Haha.

And in other news, made 汤圆 (peanut and sesame) for my flatmates. That was nice. Especially since they turned out to be living pretty skint. Sigh… They do part time work and stuff but they’re still struggling to pay for food/bills etc. And I’m sure they are not splurgers. Why does life has to be so hard? Sometimes it feels like people are just tied up by their lives/circumstances and they are stumbling blindfolded in this dark maze.

But I guess that’s why we know we need You. You are the light in the dark. You are the One who tears away the veil and opens our eyes. That the blind may see, that the deaf may hear.

Looking back at my posts in these recent days/weeks, I’ve really been writing a lot. I think… I don’t know… some switch just turned on after my trip and can’t seem to stop. I think I think less about what I’m writing but I’m just letting it flow. Maybe that’s why my writings are becoming more in-depth / raw / I don’t know. And it’s not like stuff I write here I mind people knowing about. And… it’s quite under the radar anyway haha. Yeah, except for the 1 or 2 or 3 people out there reading this regularly. Hmm. Haha.

On hindsight, the trip was about me having a real escape/getaway kinda thing. Going out there (sorta) and being by myself. And feeling things. Feeling life deeper than before. Finding the value of quiet/alone time. And at the same time, learning to love. I guess the trip is a success in that sense. That I’m definitely different now, I would think. I write differently, think differently, feel different, pray different… hopefully, love and live differently as well.

Right now, I’m sitting in my room alone with Grey’s Anatomy on in the background,  just letting my fingers roam over the keyboard and typing whatever comes to mind. I feel like I could live on an island by myself. Floating in the middle of the ocean. Feeling the sway of the island from the waves crashing onto the shore. (I promise I haven’t been drinking today) I might be enjoying this ‘being alone’ thing too much heh. Or I could be going crazy. Hm, take your pick.

Well the downside of being so comfortable with being alone is that I’m not trying to make any friends anymore. I know I said I wanted to try being more intentional with making friends in church, rather than trying with uni/in my flat. But… I’m just like, why try right? But then again, I’m reminded of those moments where I’m praying like mad in my room and I need someone to call + see and I realise there isn’t someone to call.

It’s such a conundrum. I’m (sorta) fine being on my own and enjoying it but at the same time, there’s this nagging thought at the back of my head that I need someone. It’s like I can’t decide whether to be strong/weak. Mad stuff this. Needy human situation.

Well, I did ask to be poured out as an offering. And I did ask to be moulded, changed and transformed. If this is what it is, I have got to turn to Him and somehow figure out what’s the way forward.

Hm… Tired.

Again.

Going to sleep. Bye.

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2 thoughts on “alone. and on hindsight.

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